A Super Psycho Love
by Whimsical Gypsy
Summary: A match made from heaven, but Kagura persistently digresses. "More like a match made from hell!" A collection/series of one-shots that focuses on everyone's favorite glutton. Kagura tries to rid of problems from her normal everyday life, but fails to do so. From refusing a certain sadist's advancements to gorging herself in buffets, Kagura hopes she will triumph in the end.
1. Chapter Uno

**This will be a collection of one-shots featuring and centering around our gluttonous and idiotic, yet sharp-tongued female protagonist of Gintama. Every chapter will be divided into short stories or ficlets that may or may not be related or connected to other chapters within the story. Since this is an AU fanfic, the setting will take place in modern day ****fictional**** Japan and will most likely be a high school setting or typical everyday life; expect some OOC-ness as well. All characters are humans, with no superpowers, yet are more capable than normal human beings. This may or may not be an OkiKagu fanfic. That is all. **

***Disclaimer***:** I do not own Gintama. Gintama manga and anime are rightfully and truly belongs to Sorachi Hideaki. Any quotes used from the manga and any types of manga, anime, media and literature are not mine for the taking. Also, the fanfic image belongs to its rightful owner. All rights aforementioned above belong to their rightful owners and will never be mine, sadly.**

**Warnings*****: crappy/crude/dirty/terrible humor up ahead, coarse/bad language everywhere, randomness, my whimsical writing style, some OOC-ness, terrible characterization and portrayal of certain characters, perhaps some breaking of non-existent fourth walls, maybe some clichés and references possibly used from other types of work, anime, manga, literature and media, an AU fanfic with a high school setting and everyday life set in modern day fictional Japan, terrible chapter titles, maybe some crappy fight scenes, and my futile attempts at humor. **

**~Any similarities to characters, settings, scripts, or stories from other pieces of literature or media are purely coincidental. However, ©This story belongs to me, Whimsical Gypsy.~**

* * *

><p>Chapter Uno: First Love Sucks~<p>

* * *

><p>At age four, Kagura learned how to incapacitate those who are more than twice the size of her puny little self. As a proud member of the Yato clan, she takes pride in easily defeating intimidating and strong opponents often four times bigger than her. Her <em>beloved <em>older brother, Kamui, happily taught her Chinese kenpo as well as Baguazhang and Piguaquan based martial arts. He also threw in some basic karate, jiu-jitsu, and some judo-aikido.

Everyday, Kagura and her big brother would spend at least five hours in their own personal dojo within the Yato compound. Practicing and having sparring matches that would often result in broken properties and frequent trips to the nearest hospital or in very rare cases, the emergency room. However, Kagura enjoys her brother's company, even if that buff and scary-looking man who follows her brother around is often in their presence.

Yet... she did not grew up in a palace. Having an ill and bed-ridden mother and a father who is often away and rarely returns home to her family took its toll. As the years fly by, Kagura notices the change in her brother's behavior. Kamui has always been an emotionally detached and somewhat apathetic sibling. Kagura have always thought that he is a sociopathic psychopath who would one day turn his back on her. No matter how much he hides underneath that cheerful façade of his, his little sister knows how bloodthirsty and mentally unstable he truly is.

As their precious mother weakens at each day that passes by and Kagura could only hold and caress her hand and hope and pray that it will be alright, yet she knows deep down that things will never be the same. Her azure eyes brimming with sadness and unshed tears, and her soft lips quiver ever so slightly at the sight of her mother lying so weak and brittle underneath those silky sheets. Her brother would often disappear in the early dawn and would return late at dusk, and he offers no greeting nor acknowledgement towards his sister. They only communicate during their sparring matches and daily routines at the dojo. At the same time, Kagura feels farther away from her older brother. And that stupid father of theirs has not returned home for more than two years!

"Mami... why is papi not home? Did he leave us?" a six-year old Kagura sighs as she sits on the soft bed beside her mother. The woman smiles longingly at her daughter, stroking her silky carmine tresses and beckoning the child closer.

"...No. He'll be back soon." she whispers gently, wrapping her frail arms around her daughter. "Your father is a very busy man."

"I know!" Kagura pouts, wrapping her tiny arms around her mother. "But he never writes back or calls us! We do not even know where he is!"

"Hush now, my child..." the red-haired woman smiles, cradling her daughter in her arms while humming a tune. "Your father loves all of us and I promise you that he'll return..."

"...Okay." was her dejected reply as she reluctantly pulls away from her mother's hold.

In return, Kagura's mother reassures her daughter with a rueful smile, reaching out a hand to stroke her daughter's cheeks lovingly. "I'm so sorry, Kagura..."

**(...)**

At age eight, Kagura experienced first love or rather... her first crush. Or maybe it was more of a harsh rejection?

Okita Sōgo, the infuriating and annoying red-eyed blonde, who constantly irritates and harasses a certain blue-eyed red head in the playgrounds every Saturday. The charming twelve-year old who captured all the hearts of every female who had the misfortune of crossing paths with him. Kagura had known the two-faced bastard since she was in her diapers and the age gap between them only serves to infuriate her.

"Ugh! I do not want to see your ugly face, Sōgo! Go away!" he kicks and stomps on her sandcastle at the sandbox, spraying gritty particles into the air. The smug motherfucker has the nerve and balls to smirk at her petty threats and destroy her impenetrable fortress of sand.

"Your words have no effect on me, China. Come on, admit it. You _love _me." he crosses his arms with a triumphant grin.

Her chubby cheeks flushing blood red and her fists clenching, Kagura resists the urge to pummel the smirking bastard to the ground. The children within their vicinity sense the impending doom and hastily evacuate the playground. She nearly yells out a battle cry and launches a fist at his face if it were not for her brother's teachings of discipline and respect in regards to martial arts. Calming herself down with breathing exercises and counting in her head, she immediately relaxes and offers the blonde an angelic smile.

Her azure eyes shift towards the sunny skies and the fluffy sheep-like clouds floating lazily across the blue expanse. Closing her eyes briefly and taking a huge intake of breath, she relaxes her muscles and blinds the boy in front of her with a dazzling smile. Missing a tooth, yet her smile somehow elicits a subtle reaction from the boy. His crimson eyes widen a fraction and his cheeks flushed pink, even for only a fleeting moment.

"I knew it." he smirks victoriously. "You've fallen for my charms, China."

...

...

...

"As if!" the girl sends a bone-shattering kick at his knee, instantly fracturing his patella.

CRACK.

"YOU BI―"

BAM.

A solid punch connects with his right cheek and sends the boy flying across the playground and crashing into an empty plastic trashcan.

Kagura grins to herself and stomps off into the opposite direction, ignoring the terrified stares from the innocent passer-bys and witnesses.

**(***)**

One week later, he shows up in the playground in crutches with a bandaged cheek. Wearing a lopsided grin on his smug face, and Kagura instantly knows that trouble is brewing.

"What do you want?" she stares blankly at him, sitting on a freshly-painted dried bench, sucking on a strawberry-flavored chuubert.

"China, will you go out with me?" he flashes her a smile.

"Okay." she slurps down the rest of the icy treat and casually chucks the empty plastic tube at a nearby trashcan. "I will be your girlfriend, Sōgo."

"..."

"..."

"...Are you serious?" he widens his eyes and gapes down at the girl.

Staring up at him through half-lidded eyes with a blissful expression, "Sure, I would _love _to spend forever with you..." she trails off, slowly reaching out a hand towards his left cheek.

The boy unknowingly gulps and instinctively leans down.

...

...

...

...

...

...

BAM.

"...IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!" Kagura knees him on the crotch and the poor boy doubles over in pain and agony, desperately clutching on to his crutches at the unbelievable pain. "Who do you think I am?! HUH?! You will be spending all of eternity in the fiery depths of hell, you rotten nincompoop! Go drown in your nightmares!"

Huffing in frustration, Kagura stomps away from the boy, currently clutching his nether regions in a fetal position on the cement ground. Glaring darkly at the sunny skies, he grits out, "C-China... y-you'll p-pay...! I-I'll have y-you g-groveling a-at my f-feet! Y-you b-better w-watch your b-back, y-you w-wretched w-wench!"

BAM.

A soccer ball out of nowhere nails him on the forehead and knocks him into dreamland.

**(X_X)**

"...And so... that is why... I decided to live the rest of my life as a super sadist." the twenty one-year old shoves his hands into his pants' pockets, recounting childhood memories.

...

...

...

...

...

...

"That was deep." Hijikata Tōshirō takes out a cigarette from a pack of Marlboro, half-listening to the boy's flashback.

"Yeah, that was very deep, sir!" Yamazaki Sagaru pipes up, listening to every word the young man said.

"...Indeed." Kondō Isao strokes his chin pensively.

"Hey! What's the hold up?!" an angry voice yells from a red Honda parked behind a police car. "You useless cops can't even do shit!" the man slams a fist on the hood of his car, glaring heatedly at the four men. Several honks blare throughout the busy streets of Tokyo, alerting citizens in their wake. "Move your god damn car―"

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Shut the fuck up, you filthy scum. Don't you know we're law enforcers?" the sadistic blonde suddenly appears beside the man's window, and shoves the barrel of a government colt at his nose. "...And that gorilla over there..." he gestures towards the three frozen men behind him, specifically at a certain man. "...is the chief."

Sweating buckets and leaning back from the deadly firearm, "I-I-I-'m s-s-so s-sorry...!" he shrinks away from the young man's glare and eyes the three bullet punctures decorating his front hood uneasily.

"You bastard! Where in the blue hells did you get that?!" Hijikata marches up to the blonde and forcefully grabs his arm, prying the gun from his grip and clicking the safety lock in place.

"You'll be next, Mayo freak." Okita threatens.

"That's officer Hijikata to you!"

A heated argument ensues, but before Okita can snatch the firearm from the demonic vice-chief, a loud voice booms from above.

"Honestly, it is barely seven o'clock and you fools are already at it." a young teen jumps down from a five-story building and lands lightly and gracefully on the red Honda's roof. The poor driver lets out a surprised yelp, digging further into his seat. "Sadist, I see you are harassing innocent citizens of Tokyo as usual," she gives the blonde a curt nod before focusing her azure eyes towards the other three police officers. "Tōshi, gorilla, and anpan-boy. Good morning." she greets them with a bow.

"That's officer Hijikata to you, China brat!" the nicotine addict retorts.

"How's my dear Otae, China girl?!" Kondō runs up to her.

"It's Yamazaki!" the anpan lover shouts.

"Uh-huh... and I am an alien from another planet." the seventeen-year old hums, smoothing down her sailor uniform and brushing back her long carmine locks from her face. "But I better get going or I will be late for class. I hate it when Ginpachi-sensei yells at me." she prepares to jump off the car.

"Hey, I can see your panties from down here." Okita drawls, unabashedly staring up her skirt. "Pink and ruffles, huh? Not bad."

WOOSH.

A scarlet butterfly knife flies past his cheek and lodges deeply into the wall behind him. However, he ignores her glowering features and the cut on his cheek, and continues to stare unashamedly up her fluttering skirt.

"I will put a restraining order on you, you disgusting pig!" she jumps down and quickly yanks the knife lodged between the bricks before walking away from the four.

"I'm in charge of restraining orders, my dear." Okita smirks, staring intensely at the back of her swishing skirt.

"Liar! You are not even a part of the regional public safety bureaus or security! You are not an officer, you are a secret drug dealer and a member of the yakuza!"

"Yeah, and I'm a sadist who enjoys watching other people suffer and force them to grovel at my feet."

"That comment just proves how much of a sadistic bastard you are!"

"And you're in love with me."

"Who would want you as a boyfriend or a husband?" Kagura turns to face him, scrunching her face in pure disgust. "You are doomed to be forever alone!" Then she casually turns on her heels and marches off without another word.

...

...

...

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"It's okay, Sōgo!" Kondō tearfully pats his shoulder with deep sympathy. "Tōshi, here, will end up forever alone too." he nods solemnly at the dark-haired man.

BAM.

A heavy jar of Kraft and a bottle of Tabasco connects with his frontal lobe, sending him into a dreamless coma.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, my very first Gintama fanfic! Welp, this very random and whimsical idea popped into my head and I decided... hey, why not make a Gintama fanfic that centers around Kagura? And so... this is the result of that. Hopefully, I'll be able to post new chapters on a daily basis, probably every other day or once a week... who knows? Ja ne. <strong>


	2. Chapter Dos

**This will be a collection of one-shots featuring and centering around our gluttonous and idiotic, yet sharp-tongued female protagonist of Gintama. Every chapter will be divided into short stories or ficlets that may or may not be related or connected to other chapters within the story. Since this is an AU fanfic, the setting will take place in modern day ****fictional**** Japan and will most likely be a high school setting or typical everyday life; expect some OOC-ness as well. All characters are humans, with no superpowers, yet are more capable than normal human beings. This may or may not be an OkiKagu fanfic. That is all. **

***Disclaimer***:** I do not own Gintama. Gintama manga and anime are rightfully and truly belongs to Sorachi Hideaki. Any quotes used from the manga and any types of manga, anime, media and literature are not mine for the taking. Also, the fanfic image belongs to its rightful owner. All rights aforementioned above belong to their rightful owners and will never be mine, sadly.**

**Warnings*****: crappy/crude/dirty/terrible humor up ahead, coarse/bad language everywhere, randomness, my whimsical writing style, some OOC-ness, terrible characterization and portrayal of certain characters, perhaps some breaking of non-existent fourth walls, maybe some clichés and references possibly used from other types of work, anime, manga, literature and media, an AU fanfic with a high school setting and everyday life set in modern day fictional Japan, terrible chapter titles, maybe some crappy fight scenes, and my futile attempts at humor. **

**~Any similarities to characters, settings, scripts, or stories from other pieces of literature or media are purely coincidental. However, ©This story belongs to me, Whimsical Gypsy.~**

* * *

><p>Chapter Dos: A Pink Parasol is the Best Weapon a Girl Can Have<p>

* * *

><p>When Kagura finally turned seventeen on her birthday, the third of November, Kamui gladly gave her a pink parasol as a present.<p>

"..."

"..."

"...It is pink." Kagura deadpans, staring blankly at the pink parasol in her hands.

"I thought it would suit you, my dear little sister! Plus, now that you've become a proper adult, it's about time you receive your own um―"

Shoving the pointed end of the pink parasol at her brother's nose, "I know what this is, _stupid big brother_! I am asking you why you picked pink out of all colors! PINK!"

Kamui ignores her threat and waves away the parasol, giving his sister a smile. "Well, you're a girl after all and I thought pink suits you better than purple. Besides, you need this for self-defense in case you have a run-in with some perverted and sadistic pedophile trying to get in your pants―"

"I know how to defend myself, idiot! You taught me martial arts ever since I could walk!" Kagura fumes, itching to bash the umbrella against her brother's head and hopes she succeeds in giving him a concussion or possibly split his skull open.

"Ah! But my dear sister, you're missing the point here!" Kamui gingerly takes the parasol from her clutches and points it towards the mahogany doors. "Abuto! Open the doors if you will!"

"Right, right." the Yato man sighs, trudging towards the double doors and turns the knobs, opening the doors wide. Then he quickly skids to the side before a strong energy beam can blast him all the way to outer space.

VROOOOOOOOM.

KA-BOOM.

Kagura watches the purple beam fly past the double doors and out into the open gates of the Yato compound. Her eyes wide and blank as the beam directly hits the house across from theirs, instantly exploding upon impact and combusting into flames. She shifts her gaze towards a smirking Kamui and the smoking tip of the pink parasol, eyeing the two with guarded wariness and caution.

"What. Was. That."

"See? It's very useful, isn't it?" he twirls the parasol playfully, giving her a mysterious smile. "Anyway, this umbrella can shoot a very destructive and high-energy beam as well as multiple rounds of armor piercing bullets like a machine gun. Kind of like Roberta's―"

"That was not a simple high-energy beam or a signal beam. That was a freaking hyper beam, you dumbass." Kagura states.

"Well, whatever you wanna call it." her brother hums before dropping the parasol into her hands.

"Right..." Kagura narrows her eyes suspiciously, reluctantly accepting her brother's gift.

"The point is, little sister..." Kamui adds, "...is that this little umbrella may prove useful in the near future. Accept it as a sign of love and affection from your wonderful big brother."

"As if you would care about my well-being!" the girl argues.

"Of course I do! You're my precious little sister!" he grins, reaching out to pat her head, but Kagura moves away.

"But it will be your fault if I were to accidentally blast someone to smithereens!" she sticks her tongue out at him.

He chuckles and shoves his hands in his pockets, "Right, I'll take responsibility for any property damage, my adorable little sister."

**(***)**

Not even three days later, Kagura accidentally bumps into one of the deadliest gangs to ever roam the filthy streets and dark alleyways of the Kabuki District.

"Hey, watch it little girl! Ya in our turf!" a burly gangster throws down his cigarette and forcefully stomps on it, clutching a pack of Winston. He struts towards her, followed by a horde of foul-smelling and tattooed men armed with spiked baseball bats, chains, steel pipes and switchblades.

Kagura narrows her eyes dangerously and clutches her pink parasol tightly. Staring furtively at the man's platinum brace knuckles and the Swiss army knife tucked into his belt, she takes a few steps backwards.

"A quiet one, eh?" the burly man grins, flashing his rotten teeth at her and Kagura nearly gags in disgust.

"She's a pretty one, boss." a lanky man wearing a lime green beanie sweeps his eyes up and down her form. Forming a vile smirk, the other members murmur in agreement. The Yato girl huffs angrily at their shameful actions and their eyes obscenely undressing her.

"Men are pigs." she rolls her eyes in disdain. "Gin-chan was right, men are hormonal perverts who only use women for their simple pleasures! You vile creatures should be eradicated from the face of the world!"

"Oooh! Feisty!" the 'boss' grins, tossing away the empty Winston pack behind him.

"You will not like me when I am in a foul mood, you pig." Kagura spits out.

"Heh..." he smirks at her threat. "Whatever ya say, missy..." he casually reaches for the Swiss knife at his belt, easily swiping and pointing the sharp object inches from her nose. "I'd watch what I say if I were ya."

...

...

...

WOOSH.

Easily dodging the knife swiping in mid-air, Kagura performs a back-flip and points the parasol at the burly gangster.

"..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" he guffaws, withdrawing his armed hand. "A pink umbrella? Seriously?!" Then he turns to his gang, face filled with laughter and mockery. "Ya guys see that? She threatenin' me wit' a pink umbrella!" In return, all the gang members burst into raucous laughter, pointing and overtly expressing their amused reactions.

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

Not even a second later, a barrage of bullets pierce the cement ground centimeters from the burly man's feet.

"You were saying?" she raises a brow.

...

...

...

...

...

...

"GET 'ER!" the 'boss' screams, veins bulging from his temples. Then shouts of agreement, scraping metal and swishing of blades ring throughout the empty alleyway. Closing her eyes, Kagura straightens up and points her parasol straight at the charging horde, with a simple click and―

VROOOOOOOOM.

KA-BOOM.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screams of terror and fear resound in the empty alleyway, smoke and debris blasting through the narrow pathway.

A moment of silence drags on before faint footsteps emerge from the smoke, unharmed. A peach-haired teen casually walks out of the smoke and debris, twirling a pink parasol between her slender fingers while whistling a catchy tune.

**(*.*)**

The second time Kagura had to use her trusty pink parasol was during an intense chase throughout the filthy streets of Yoshiwara. How she ended up kilometers away from her home and past the Kabuki District and deep into the underworld of Yoshiwara is still a mystery, even Kagura does not know the answer to.

"There! Get 'er!" a rowdy-looking gangster spots her atop an adult store, hiding behind her pink parasol. "That pink umbrella sticks out like a sore thumb, girly!"

"Ugh..." Kagura frowns, quickly making a hasty retreat. She easily jumps across the building beside the store, landing gracefully against the steel roofs. Without turning back, she continues to jump across rooftops with such speed and gracefulness, evading deadly projectiles and bullets flying past her.

"GOD DAMN IT!" the hordes of gangsters huff in exhaustion, trying to catch up to her speed. "Get down 'ere!" the rowdy gangster shouts, firing off his revolver, but Kagura ducks down with ease.

The teen peeks behind her parasol and stares down at the gangsters panting from exhaustion. "Then get up here, you losers!"

BANG.

Kagura tilts her head to the side, watching the trajectory of the bullet fly past her in the corner of her eye.

"You filthy mongrels will never catch me!" with an evil cackle and a middle finger salute, the peach-haired teen turns away and jumps through the intertwining rooftops of Yoshiwara, disappearing in the distance.

**(-_-)**

The third time was just an impromptu and unexpected incident. Kagura did not expect that a simple stroll through the streets of Yoshiwara with Ginpachi-sensei and Shinpachi would end up in disaster. Bullets flying in every direction, energy beams blasting through solid objects, katana blades glinting ominously under the moonlight, and drops of gleaming rubies upon the earth.

"Do not touch him." she threatens, sporting an ominous expression across her usually relaxed and content face. Pointing the tip of her parasol at the smirking man glaring down at her. His left eye concealed in bandages and his dark violet locks swaying slightly against the breeze, he casually blows out the smoke from his lips. Lowering down the smoking pipe between his fingers, he chuckles lightly at her threat. He takes a few dainty steps forward, one hand resting on the hilt of his katana. Kagura eyes the weapon carefully before shifting her gaze towards his cold and unwavering stare.

The dust and smoke slowly clears throughout the dark streets of Yoshiwara. The full moon above illuminates their features. Studying his dark mauve yukata and emerald green haori, Kagura stands defiantly in front of two figures. An unconscious man sporting a tuft of wild, silver hair slumps unconsciously against a dark-haired boy with glasses. A trickle of blood dribbles down his chin, splotches of crimson staining his pure white polo shirt.

"Gin-san, hold on!" the young man holding him close whispers urgently.

"Shinpachi, calm down." Kagura did not take her eyes off from the man standing several meters away. "You take Gin-chan somewhere safe and I will deal with him."

"B-but K-Kagura...! He's too dangerous!" Shinpachi replies, frantically holding on to the unconscious man.

"You might want to listen to your friend, little girl." the man takes another step, a hand hovering lazily on the hilt of his weapon. "Unless if you want to suffer a similar fate." he sneers at the unconscious silver-haired man.

"Do not talk about Gin-chan that way!" Kagura frowns, aiming her parasol at his heart.

In return, the man smirks at her words and vanishes in a blur.

"Wha―"

Catching her off-guard, he reappears unexpectedly in front of her. Startling the girl, Kagura quickly side-steps the blade. Her azure eyes wide in surprise, shock and... fear? Quirking an eyebrow that a mere brat managed to easily side-step his attack, the man withdraws his weapon and grabs her arm.

"Let go!" the teen shouts, struggling to escape his vice-like grip. She raises her right arm, ready to smack the assailant away with her parasol. Then he effortlessly spins her around and throws her meters away towards a wall. "You...!" Kagura gasps, catching herself in time before she can crash harshly against the brick walls.

"Kagura!" Shinpachi shouts in horror.

"Tsk! I will blast you all the way to the moon for attacking Gin-chan!" she points her parasol at him.

"That won't work." a voice whispers behind her, startling the teen and nearly scaring her to death.

"Kagura, watch out!"

"H-how did you...?" she stiffens, feeling an arm snaking around her waist.

...

...

...

"PERVERT!" Kagura whirls around, her parasol ready to smash the man who dared to touch her.

KA-BOOM.

An enormous blast crumbles the entire brick wall behind them, flying past the two.

"Touch her again and I'll cut your hands off and gouge your other eyeball out."

The peach-haired girl widens her eyes at the sight of a very familiar figure emerging from the dust, carrying a bazooka across his shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing here, sadist?" Kagura gives him a confused stare, ignoring the mysterious man behind her and the tight grip around her waist.

"China, step away from him, unless if you want to get blasted along with him." Okita glares at the man.

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, dumbass! I can take care of myself!"

"Sure, and you're still standing there like an idiot with a wanted man behind you. Oh, look! He's slowly raising his katana." the officer scoffs, aiming the bazooka at the man. "Get out of the way, China!"

"I cannot! He is holding me hostage!" the girl wails, trying to pry the stubborn arm around her waist. "Let go, you creep!"

"..."

"Get your fucking hands off her. _Now_." the blonde narrows his eyes dangerously, a sinister glint flashing briefly across his eyes.

Smirking in amusement, the man tightens his hold. "Or what? You'll blast me to smithereens?" he challenges.

"Hey, Sōgo! What the hell are you doing?! Don't go around blowing things up!" the dark-haired officer along with an entourage of police suddenly appears out of nowhere. Sirens blaring and echoing throughout the silent streets of Yoshiwara and the red and blue lights flashing wildly, lighting up the murky streets.

Hijikata pants in exhaustion, having to run kilometers after Okita ditched him in the middle of nowhere and taking off with their patrol car. "You fucker! I'll make sure to tell Kondō to reduce your pay by 99% and suspend you from your duties for at least a month!"

Ignoring and brushing off his superior, "If you don't let go of her, I'll personally blast that arm away." Okita growls, reaching for his Glock pistol and aiming the bazooka straight at the smirking man.

...

...

...

...

...

...

"I am not a damsel in distress, damn it!" Kagura rages, bringing up an iron fist. Unfortunately, the man evades a smash to the jaw and unhooks his arm from her waist.

KA-BOOM.

Another enormous blast resounds, but the man had mysteriously vanished once the smoke clears. Kagura coughs and rubs her eyes, the dust and debris invading her lungs and blurring her vision.

"Enough with the bazookas, damn it!" Hijikata screams, nearly pulling out his own pistol and shooting the infuriating blonde to death.

"Shut it, Hijikata. Or I'll blast you instead."

"Why you...!" his superior seethes.

"Gin-chan!" the peach-haired girl rushes past the two, ignoring their childish bickering as she runs towards the two figures.

"...Well, it looks like he got away." Hijikata scratches his head, staring up at the dark skies. "Again."

Okita ignores him and continues to stare at the blue-eyed girl, never taking his eyes off her. Feeling something bitter and painful stirring inside him when he sees the girl gently tending the wounds of that lazy ass professor of hers.

"W-what...? K-Kagura? What're you doing...?" Gintoki mutters, stirring awake.

"Do not talk, Gin-chan. You should rest." she smiles at him, taking a hold of his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Che, I'm fin―GWUAAAAAAHHHH!" a waterfall of blood gushes out of his mouth and he slumps back down into unconsciousness.

...

...

...

Then Shinpachi lets out a very high-pitched scream upon the sight of crimson.

"GIN-CHAN!" Kagura shouts, shaking his shoulders wildly.

"Tsk." Okita sighs, digging his hands inside his pockets and makes his way towards the trio. "How troublesome... but I'm only doing this for you." he solely focuses his gaze on her.

* * *

><p><strong>To be honest, I don't really ship OkiKagu. I mean, they have a very interesting relationship and I love the dynamics of these two and their hilarious interactions. At the same time, it's nearly impossible to picture these two together... unless it's crack or something. But meh... I still find these two interesting and I feel that they both deeply care about each other. Despite being rivals, they respect each other at least to an extent. Anyway, Kagura and Kamui on the other hand... despite the siblings being distant from each other, it's obvious that Kagura truly cares about her brother. Too bad Kamui is such a sadistic and sociopathic psychopath. -sigh- But, Takasugi is sooo awesome! <strong>


	3. Chapter Tres

**This will be a collection of one-shots featuring and centering around our gluttonous and idiotic, yet sharp-tongued female protagonist of Gintama. Every chapter will be divided into short stories or ficlets that may or may not be related or connected to other chapters within the story. Since this is an AU fanfic, the setting will take place in modern day ****fictional**** Japan and will most likely be a high school setting or typical everyday life; expect some OOC-ness as well. All characters are humans, with no superpowers, yet are more capable than normal human beings. This may or may not be an OkiKagu fanfic. That is all. **

***Disclaimer***:** I do not own Gintama. Gintama manga and anime are rightfully and truly belongs to Sorachi Hideaki. Any quotes used from the manga and any types of manga, anime, media and literature are not mine for the taking. Also, the fanfic image belongs to its rightful owner. All rights aforementioned above belong to their rightful owners and will never be mine, sadly.**

**Warnings*****: crappy/crude/dirty/terrible humor up ahead, coarse/bad language everywhere, randomness, my whimsical writing style, some OOC-ness, terrible characterization and portrayal of certain characters, perhaps some breaking of non-existent fourth walls, maybe some clichés and references possibly used from other types of work, anime, manga, literature and media, an AU fanfic with a high school setting and everyday life set in modern day fictional Japan, terrible chapter titles, maybe some crappy fight scenes, and my futile attempts at humor. **

**~Any similarities to characters, settings, scripts, or stories from other pieces of literature or media are purely coincidental. However, ©This story belongs to me, Whimsical Gypsy.~**

* * *

><p>Chapter Tres: The Missing Princess<p>

* * *

><p>"Hmm..." Kagura stares at the newspaper in front of her, trying to relieve her growing boredom. She easily side-steps an oncoming bicycle and continues on her daily walk. A grape-flavored chuubert hangs limply between her lips and she ignores the cold droplets streaming down her white ruffled blouse. "There is nothing note-worthy or interesting in this piece of paper."<p>

She lets out a sigh when a group of elementary children run past her, shouting cheerfully at each other. Kagura takes out the empty plastic tube from her mouth and chucks it at a nearby trashcan before wiping her hands on her red shorts. "Seriously. Strolling through the streets and the park is a very boring routine of mine that I need to break. Maybe I should go to Kabuki-Chō and visit granny Otose and that ugly cat-woman, Catherine." she murmurs, running her hands through her long and silky carmine locks. "...or maybe I should go visit Miss Hinowa and Tsukuyo and Seita."

She shifts her gaze towards the noon sky, then glances at her Hello Kitty wristwatch. "Kabuki-Chō it is!"

**/(^.^)/**

"Hey, watch it, squirt!" a rowdy man wearing a dirty yukata seethes at Kagura. Brushing past her in a rude manner, but the fourteen-year old ignores him. She glances around the crowded streets of the Kabuki District, her China blue eyes scanning every store and sign.

"...Where is granny's snack shop?" she muses, navigating her way through the throngs of citizens. "There it is!" she perks up, running towards the familiar establishment and the rusty sign, _Otose's Snack Shop_, written in silver paint.

A lithe figure with braided emerald locks and dons a maid café kind of outfit strolls out of the front doors. Clutching a broom, she sweeps the old mat, unaware of a smaller figure running up to the shop.

"TAMA-CHAN!" Kagura literally launches herself at the automaton.

"K-Kagura-chan?" the green-haired woman blinks in surprise, dropping the broom as her hands automatically catch the girl. "It has been so long! You have grown quite a bit, Kagura-chan." the android smiles, hugging her tightly.

"I know!" Kagura grins, then drops her hands to her sides. "You still look the same, Tama."

"Of course, I am an and―"

"OI! What's with the noise out there?!" a woman with a styled bobbed cut kicks the door open, nearly ripping the wood from its hinges. "Shut up, will ya?!"

"..."

"...Oh, it is just you, ugly bitch." Kagura deadpans.

"YOU! That damned brat who almost destroyed our bar last time you were here with that silver-haired menace and the other guy!"

"Yeah, I am back." the girl rolls her eyes sarcastically. "...and I am here to destroy the shop for the... tenth time."

"Shitty brat...! I'll―"

BAM.

A half-filled bottle of Jack Daniel's nails Catherine on the back of her cranium, sending her sprawling on the dirt ground.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kagura guffaws. "Get your own medicine, bitch!"

"Ah... I expected it was you." an elderly woman smoking a Camel branded cigarette emerges from the doors, donning a dark amethyst yukata with a black obi. Her dark hair in its usual up-do.

"Granny Otose!" Kagura pipes up, greeting the older woman with a brief hug.

"It's nice seeing you again, brat." Otose smiles, patting her back in return. "Why don't we all catch up inside? I'm sure there's someone you want to see as well." she gestures inside her shop.

"Sure!" Kagura follows the woman with Tama trailing behind them, leaving the still unconscious Catherine sprawled on the ground outside the establishment.

Kagura widens her eyes in surprise upon setting her sights on a very familiar figure. A young man with wild silver hair slouches against the lacquered wooden counter, clutching a small shot of vodka.

"GIN-CHAAAAAAN~" she cries out, rushing up to the slouched figure. "I miss you!" Her vice-like iron grip finds its way around the man's torso.

"G-gah...!" the silver-haired man sputters out, nearly falling off from his stool. "I-I-I c-can't b-breathe!"

"Oops, sorry." the girl drops her arms to her sides, rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly. "I have not seen you in nearly two months, Gin-chan!"

"Of course, you runt!" Gintoki groans, stirring awake from his drunk stupor. "It's summer break."

"I know! But I still want to see you!" Kagura smiles, taking the stool beside him. "And I want to spend my summer with you, Gin-chan."

"Yeah, yeah..." her professor waves her off. "Why don't you spend your summer with someone around your age? What about Patsuan?" he reaches for the bottle of Smirnoff.

"No way! Shinpachi is two years my senior and he is probably hanging out with his otaku friends." Kagura pouts. "I do not want to spend my time with a bunch of nerdy and geeky otaku, they are so weird!"

"Yeah, says the gluttonous brat. You know, one day... you'll turn into a fat tub of lard if you keep stuffing yourself with food." Gintoki downs the shot before pouring himself another one. "So why don't you do something more productive? Like, go take a stroll in the park or something to lose some of those calories and fat―"

BAM.

BAM.

BAM.

BOOM.

CRASH.

"GIN-CHAN, YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD!" Kagura shrieks, pounding him with her fists several times before he flies across the bar and out the front doors. He collides against a now conscious Catherine and the two roll across the street, crashing harshly against a concrete wall. "I HATE YOU!" She stomps off without another word, exiting the establishment.

"..."

"..."

"Tama, can you please clean up the mess?" Otose massages her temples in resignation. "I have something more important to attend to at the moment."

"Yes, Otose-sama." the green-haired woman bows in response before grabbing a broom out of nowhere, watching the owner trudge out the doors.

**(=.=)**

"Stupid Gin-chan!" Kagura sniffs, kicking a lone can of Pepsi. "Why cannot he see that I... that I..." then she sighs and straightens up, momentarily forgetting her troubles. "Whatever...! He is such a lazy and perverted old man, anyway! I can do better!" with such a strong conviction, Kagura marches down the dusty and murky streets of the Kabuki District.

She glances at the darkening skies and looks back at her wristwatch. "It is getting late... I should head home..."

"H-hungry... f-f-food... m-must n-need..." a voice croaks and the peach-haired girl stops in her tracks.

"..."

"Who is there?" she whips around, her eyes scanning the nearly empty streets, the glowing neon signs blinking gaudily. Most of the citizens are either inside such establishments or slithering through the dark alleyways at night. "Whoever you are... I am not afraid!"

"..."

"H-h-help... m-me... s-so t-tired..." a low and cracked voice pleads.

"...Uh..." Kagura stiffens when she steps on something, slowly looking down, she locks eyes with a pair of red orbs glowing menacingly at her. A waterfall of ebony hair covers her corpse-like face, her dry and cracked lips open as if to swallow her whole.

...

...

...

"HUNGRY!" the creature shrieks, launching itself at the defenseless fourteen-year old.

"AIYAAAAAAAHHH!" Kagura screams, her right palm reflexively shoots out in front of her, colliding against the figure's forehead.

**(*-*)**

"Mhm...! Thanks for treating me, Kagura-chan!" a fourteen year-old girl with long black hair and a Pikachu Band-Aid plastered across her forehead smiles, munching on a peach bun. "These are delicious...!"

Kagura sighs dejectedly, rifling through her nearly empty Cinnamoroll wallet. "My poor wallet..."

"Hmm?" her companion continues to stuff her face with several sticks of takoyaki and mitarashi dango. "Are you okay, Kagura-chan?"

"Y-yeah... I am fine, Hime-san..." the girl smiles tearfully.

"..."

"..."

"...Here." the raven-haired girl hands her a Little Twin Stars handkerchief.

"Thank you..." Kagura graciously accepts the cute and frilly handkerchief, dabbing them dramatically in the corner of her eyes. Then she accidentally blows her nose on it, covering the fabric with her snot. "I am so sorry, Hime..."

"It's okay, Kagura-chan! You can have that one!" Hime replies, then she pulls out her own Chococat handkerchief. "I still have my favorite here!"

"You are too kind, Hime-san." the Yato girl sniffs in response, clutching the fabric close.

"Hehe... you too, Kagura-chan!" the girl grins sheepishly. "I should be the one thanking you... and I'm sorry that you have to spend your money on me."

"It is alright... I want to help a friend in need." Kagura smiles.

"..."

"...Friend, huh?" Hime smiles wistfully and averts her gaze towards the half-moon. The moon's radiance shines upon them at a cool night like this. A fleeting silence drags on before she drops her doleful expression and turns to Kagura with a genuine smile. "But thanks so much, Kagura! You're really a good friend!"

"Well, I am not that great..." Kagura rubs the back of her neck in embarrassment. "...but thanks." Then she scrutinizes the girl's clothes, taking note of her torn yet expensive-looking crimson yukata. Very detailed and intricate patterns of lilies and irises, and tied together with a sunflower yellow obi. Her long locks cascade down her back with beautiful and sparkling hair ornaments decorating her head. Her lithe frame with gentle and graceful stature and pose hints that she belongs to royalty. Kagura studies the girl's graceful movements and mannerisms mirroring that of an aristocrat.

"Oh? Is something wrong?" Hime notices her puzzled stare.

"H-huh? Oh, um... no. It is nothing." she answers.

They spent the next fifteen minutes chatting and eating together, under the moonlight.

**~8:06 pm~**

"Thanks for everything, Kagura. Really." Hime beams at her, twirling playfully through the rowdy and festive streets of Kabuki-Chō. "I had a lot of fun with you."

"Yeah, me too..." Kagura nods in agreement, scrutinizing the eccentric and gaudy neon lights and signboards. Her blue eyes narrowing at a nearby love hotel before switching her gaze towards the drunk and tipsy wandering and stumbling down the dirty streets. Men and women of every kind donning skimpy clothes and flashy outfits strutting past them. Kagura crinkles her nose in disgust, inhaling the suffocating air filled with smoke and the scent of alcohol.

"Well... I think I should get back. It's already this late." Hime turns to her friend.

"I agree. Staying out this late is not good for a couple of fourteen year olds. I should return home before my idiotic big brother finds out." Kagura glances at her Hello Kitty wristwatch.

"Ooooh, you have an older brother?" Hime perks up, clasping her hands together. "Me too!"

"Uh-huh... he is the worst brother, though! He does not even talk to me anymore and he goes off and leaves me by myself all the time. He is probably not even at home yet." Kagura pouts.

"Don't say that! I'm sure your brother cares about you!" Hime says. "My brother's the greatest! I mean, he's the prime―"

"Lookie 'ere... looks like we got ourselves some pretty lil' ladies wanderin' by themselves..." a voice emerges from the dark alleyway. Kagura immediately steps in front of her trembling friend. "Wanna play wit' us, girlies?" he flashes his rotten yellow teeth at them.

"Hell no. Not with rotten and filthy men like you." Kagura sneers, blocking Hime from their lecherous stares.

The man guffaws, beckoning the rest of his followers from the shadows. "Ya hear that, boys? This lil' bitch 'ere badmouthin' us!" Shouts and whoops of agreement echo throughout the dark alleyway. The Yato girl carefully studies their numbers and their weapons.

_'There are only eight of them and their weapons are metal bats and switchblades... no chainsaws or flamethrowers or guns... okay, I think I can handle this...'_

"Please, leave us alone!" Hime clutches the back of Kagura's blouse, shuddering in fear despite her attempts at bravery.

"Heheh... I like it when girls like ya beg..." the leader licks his lips, making Kagura gag in disgust. "Why don't I start with you, shortie?" he beckons Kagura.

"..."

"..."

"...What did you call me, _pig?_" the girl growls, clenching her fists. "I dare you to call me that. Again."

"A puny little flat-chested brat like y―"

BAM.

"B-boss!" his gang screams.

Kagura delivers a swift sucker punch at his jaw, instantly knocking him out cold. The man topples forward, but not before Kagura raises her knee and hits him below his sternum. With the final blow, he drops to the ground like a pile of bricks.

...

...

...

...

...

...

"Who wants to be next?" Kagura turns towards the cowering thugs. Her furious eyes glowing like blue flames, her expression dark and menacing.

"NO THANKS! WE OUTTA 'ERE!" the rest of the gang turns and runs into the distance, leaving behind their unconscious leader and the two girls.

"That was so awesome, Kagura!" Hime crushes her friend in a hug. "You totally kicked some butt! You're officially my hero!"

"N-no problem..." the girl lets out a sigh of relief.

'_That was very dangerous... I should not do that again._'

"Well, we should head back to Tokyo. Catch a ride from the bullet train." Kagura offers a hand.

"Yep." Hime accepts her hand.

**(^^^)**

Stopping outside the revolving doors of a high-classed condominium, Hime whirls back to address her peach-haired companion. "Thank you very much for taking care of me, Kagura. Thanks to you, I had a lot of fun today."

"Me too, Hime. I want to hang out with you again as well." Kagura replies.

"...Then, will you promise me that you'll take me away with you again?" Hime brings out her pinky. "Promise me that you'll come back for me."

Kagura hesitates, but slowly hooks her pinky around Hime's. "I promise." she gives her a determined stare.

"Thank you, Kagura..."

"So... I guess I will see you next time?" she steps back.

"Yeah, we'll see each other again. Definitely." Hime smiles, turning away. Suddenly, she quickly glances behind her shoulder at Kagura, "By the way... my real name is Tokugawa Soyo." then she disappears behind the glass doors.

**(...)**

"Ugh... I just hope stupid Kamui did not leave any messages or calls." she takes out her Galaxy SIV and unlocks her phone. Scratching her head in confusion, she flips through the fifty-three missed calls from an unknown number. "What? I do not remember giving my phone number away so carelessly..."

She decides to stop by outside a 7 Eleven at the corner of the street, cautiously eyeing a sunglasses-wearing homeless man leaning against a brick wall a few meters to her left. Pressing the call symbol, she presses her phone against her right ear. After a few rings, someone picks up from the other side.

"Hello? Who is this?" Kagura speaks up anxiously.

"Is that you, China? For the love of Buddha, you've finally answered your god damn phone after fifty-three missed calls!"

"..."

"..."

"WHAT THE HELL?! I DO NOT REMEMBER GIVING YOU MY PHONE NUMBER, YOU SADISTIC MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Yeah, yeah... I love you too, China. But I mean business right now." Okita sighs.

Her anger fades when she notices the serious tone of his voice. "...What is wrong? You sound so serious, sadist."

"Well, I just want to know if you know someone by the name of Tokugawa Soyo? She's the current prime minister's younger sister." Okita drawls. "She was reported missing about a week ago and it's all over the news. I heard from Kondō she was last seen leaving their estate a week ago..."

'_WHAT?! S-Soyo Hime is the prime minister's little sister?!_'

"...her big brother's very worried from what I can tell. Plus, Matsudaira-san has been in a bad mood ever since the little princess decided to run away from home."

"Er... what?" Kagura replies, a loss for words.

"Seriously, China. I'm not going to repeat myself. We have a very important person missing here and I just want to know if you've seen Tokugawa Soyo. I can give you a description of her if you want―"

"No, no. It is fine. I know what the prime minister's younger sibling looks like. I am not a dumbass!" she huffs, crossing her arms.

"Could've fooled me. You don't even pay attention or watch the news." he responds.

"I will kill you, you stalker! How did you manage to acquire my number?! Were you not supposed to be away in Kyoto for the next four years?!"

"I'll only be gone for four years, China. University gets a little boring after a while, anyway, and to answer your question..." he smirks over the phone. "I have my ways."

"..."

"That is it! I will block you!" Kagura fumes, glaring at the screen.

"Hey, wait! I haven't finish―"

CLICK.

Kagura slumps her shoulders in exhaustion and shoves her phone back inside her pocket. She stares up at the moon. "Honestly, I just want to survive the next four years of my life..."

"Had a long day, miss?" the hobo turns to her, clutching an empty bottle of sake and smoking a cigar. Kagura glances at his ragged and filthy attire and those out-of-place dark sunglasses, nodding her head.

"You have no idea, Madao."

* * *

><p><strong>Welp, not much romance, but that's not the focus of the story anyway. Another random chapter about Kagura and her daily adventures! Sorry for the very late update, it was exams week and I was very busy with all of my tests and studying... ugh. Well, until next time I suppose... Auf Wiederseh'n~ <strong>


	4. Chapter Cuatro

**This will be a collection of one-shots featuring and centering around our gluttonous and idiotic, yet sharp-tongued female protagonist of Gintama. Every chapter will be divided into short stories or ficlets that may or may not be related or connected to other chapters within the story. Since this is an AU fanfic, the setting will take place in modern day ****fictional**** Japan and will most likely be a high school setting or typical everyday life; expect some OOC-ness as well. All characters are humans, with no superpowers, yet are more capable than normal human beings. This may or may not be an OkiKagu fanfic. That is all. **

***Disclaimer***:** I do not own Gintama. Gintama manga and anime are rightfully and truly belongs to Sorachi Hideaki. Any quotes used from the manga and any types of manga, anime, media and literature are not mine for the taking. Also, the fanfic image belongs to its rightful owner. All rights aforementioned above belong to their rightful owners and will never be mine, sadly.**

**Warnings*****: crappy/crude/dirty/terrible humor up ahead, coarse/bad language everywhere, randomness, my whimsical writing style, some OOC-ness, terrible characterization and portrayal of certain characters, perhaps some breaking of non-existent fourth walls, maybe some clichés and references possibly used from other types of work, anime, manga, literature and media, an AU fanfic with a high school setting and everyday life set in modern day fictional Japan, terrible chapter titles, maybe some crappy fight scenes, and my futile attempts at humor. **

**~Any similarities to characters, settings, scripts, or stories from other pieces of literature or media are purely coincidental. However, ©This story belongs to me, Whimsical Gypsy.~**

**~(***)~**

**Anyway, someone asked me a question in one of the reviews. A Guest reviewer, eh?**

**-Just curious what is your otp in gintama?**

**Hmm... Truthfully, I do not have an OTP in Gintama. I am not a huge shipper and I usually stay away from shipping. I let all my crazy friends do the shipping for me. I mean, I like most ships in Gintama and find them really interesting and cute. I am very open to any kind of ships, however... there are some that are really... yeah. But I still respect everyone's opinions and ships regardless. I am not a big fan of shipping, too many insane and rabid fans out there who take it up to eleven. But that is just how fans are, so it is cool that numerous others ship characters together. That is their way of life, I guess... and showing appreciation towards things they like and it is okay to express your interests and unleash thy inner-fan mode! Just do not take it to extremes, I do not want a bloodbath or a shipping war. **

* * *

><p>Chapter Cuatro: The Haunted Onsen Guesthouse<p>

* * *

><p>"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! We've finally arrived! Isn't it wonderful?!"<p>

...

...

...

A girl in pigtails turns to the laughing curly-haired man, wearing a confused face. "...Uh, Sakamoto-sensei, what's that?" she points at the run-down establishment. The rest of his students nod their heads in agreement, clutching their backpacks tightly.

"Isn't it obvious?" he turns to them joyfully, spreading his arms wide. "It's an inn with a hot spring!"

"It looks more like a haunted house." a boy murmurs.

"Yeah..." whispers among his class erupt in a frenzy.

Meanwhile as Sakamoto tries to pacify his class, a peach-haired girl casually trudges out of a bus parked outside the entrance. Jumping off the steps with ease, she clutches her red My Melody backpack while chewing a strip of sukonbu. The fifteen year-old runs her hands through her long locks, untangling knots.

Then she lazily shifts her gaze at the looming establishment before her, scrutinizing the old and rusty sign, _Senbōkyō_. She studies the flimsy shoji doors and the weary-looking building and the desolate grounds with boredom.

"Shit, I left my Marlboro at home..." a silver-haired man slowly exits the bus, wearing a look of distress and frustration. He scratches his head, then turns to Kagura. "Hey, brat. Is this the place?" he stares blankly at the building.

"I guess..." Kagura trails off, her blue eyes narrowing at a figure looming behind one of the open windows, hiding behind dark velvet curtains.

"Ah, Kintoki!" Sakamoto calls out to his fellow colleague/friend. "Glad to have you join us!"

"It's Gintoki, not Kintoki."

"Whatever!" he turns away, staring at the establishment with excitement as he pushes his sunglasses up his nose. "Aren't you all excited?!"

"...Hardly." Kagura scoffs, chewing her sukonbu.

"Ah, Kagura-chan! Field trips are supposed to be fun!" the man grins.

"Why would we spend three nights at a haunted bathhouse?" she adds.

"Ohoho... what a cheeky brat you've got there, Sakata." A woman wearing an olive green kimono stands outside the entrance, smiling at them. "I believe you all are spending three nights here, right?"

"Oi, how'd you know my name?" Gintoki gives her a furtive glance.

"I've heard from my old friend, Otose, that you were all coming." the purple-haired woman smiles hospitably, gesturing at the building. "My name is Oiwa. Welcome to my humble abode."

**~The first night~**

"Alright, alright... settle down, you brats." Gintoki sighs, addressing his and Sakamoto's students. "We're having dinner at the mess hall, so just kindly follow Tatsuma all the way down the hallway to your right."

"Yes, Sakata-sensei!" both classes answer with such vigor, following the enthusiastic man prancing down the corridor.

Leaving Kagura with him, she turns to him with a somber expression. "Gin-chan... this place is weird."

"Of course it's weird. It's a very old and ancient bathhouse, what'd you expect?" he yawns.

"No, not that..." she sighs.

"Oh? You two are still wandering around? Dinner will start soon at six." a voice pipes up from behind them, startling the silver-haired man.

"W-where'd you come from?!" Gintoki points accusingly at her.

"It is just you, Miss owner of the haunted Onsen." Kagura states blandly.

"I wouldn't say this place is haunted, but..." her eyes glinting ominously for a moment, giving them a sweet smile. "...I wouldn't snoop around if I were you." Then she swiftly walks past the two.

Kagura and Gintoki glance at each other, as if passing a silent agreement between them.

Kagura decides to follow her, taking in her surroundings and inspecting every door and the beautiful landscape paintings on the walls. "This place is old..." her eyes settle on a pair of doors sealed shut with numerous talisman and incantations written in an unfamiliar language, the characters are foreign to the girl. "What is this?" her curiosity piqued.

"Oi, don't mess around with those kinds of things, Kagura." Gintoki hastily pulls her away from the doors.

"Why? Is it dangerous?"

"Ah... that door." Oiwa mutters. "It's an Oriental-styled room that hasn't been used in a very long time. We don't use that room anymore, though..."

"Is it forbidden?" the peach-haired teen inquires curiously.

"Something like that, little girl." Oiwa chuckles. "But I wouldn't worry about it. Ghosts and the supernatural don't exist, after all." she waves it off.

"..."

"I am not sure about that..." Kagura trails off, slowly raising her pointer finger behind the smiling woman. "...Miss Oiwa, what is _that _behind you?"

...

...

...

...

...

...

"IT'S A FUCKING STAAAAAAANNNDDDD!" her silver-haired professor shrieks, grabbing the poor girl from behind.

"Let go, stupid sensei!" she elbows him, struggling from his grip.

"Oh my..." Oiwa blinks innocently. "What do you mean? There's nothing behind me, Kagura-chan and Sakata-san. It could've been your imagination." she turns around, seeing nothing behind her but the long hallway.

Not believing her, Kagura continues to stare at the dark and shadowy figure hovering behind the woman. Its beady red eyes glowing threateningly at her and Gintoki. "It is right behind you. I am not seeing things."

"Kagura, it's no use! She can't see it!" Gintoki peeks from behind her head, staring at the spectral figure. "But we can! And it's glaring at us!"

"Hmm... perhaps you two are tired from the trip?" Oiwa hums. "Why don't you two take a rest at your designated rooms? The eastern-styled rooms are to the right, just turn at the corner." she points at a hallway branching off to the east. "Don't forget dinner starts in two hours. I suggest you try the hot springs, it's very relaxing." With that, she turns on her heels, disappearing down the hallway.

The sinister spirit briefly glances back haughtily, giving them the middle finger salute before turning to follow the owner.

...

...

...

"D-did y-you see t-that?!" he whispers frantically. "T-that stand flipped the bird at us! It literally told us, _Fuck you! I'm gonna haunt you two!_"

"Calm down, Gin-chan. Ghosts are not that scary." Kagura rolls her eyes, prying his arms off her waist. "Besides... I am a little hungry." she rubs her stomach.

"Fuuuuuuck. This place's haunted! Who decided we should stay here for three nights?!"

"That would be Tatsuma-sensei's fault."

"Ahahaha! This place's great! I'm glad I decided to have a field trip here!" A loud and audacious voice booms, then followed by a splash and several screams.

"Gin-chan, I want to go to the hot springs..." Kagura tugs on his shirt.

"...Just a moment, Kagura." Gintoki answers seriously. "We have to investigate this place first. I have a bad feeling."

"Ugh... but I want to take a bath already!"

"After we investigate." the man replies stubbornly. "I'll give you half the portion of my food for dinner later and five packs of sukonbu."

"...Okay."

**(◊_◊)**

"Nothing seems out of place here either..." Kagura peeks under the covers of all the futons in the room. She stands up, her eyes scanning every corner of the eastern-styled room.

"Nothing here either..." Gintoki shuts the windows close, drawing the curtains in.

"See? There is nothing here, so let us go already." Kagura sighs, opening the shoji doors.

"Wait, we haven't checked the western-styled rooms yet!" the man calls out to her.

"I do not want to..." suddenly her eyes widen, slowly, she points behind her teacher. "Gin-chan, is that a ghost?"

"What're you talking about?" he gulps, reluctantly craning his neck behind him.

Leaning casually against the now open window sill and the curtains drawn to the side, a young woman with long ebony hair in a pristine white yukata stares silently at them. Her onyx eyes devoid of life, she wears a hitaikakushi around her head.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

BAM.

Not even a nanosecond later, Gintoki kicks the shoji doors open, carrying a surprised Kagura on his shoulder.

"IT'S A FUCKING STAAAAAAANNNDDDD!" he runs down the hallway with such intense speed.

"Hey, put me down." Kagura smacks him on the back of his head. "She is not following us."

"I DON'T CARE!"

**...(-_-)...**

"Holy shit... that was terrifying..." Gintoki gasps, leaning against the wall inside a western-styled room. Kagura looks around, studying each paintings nailed on the mahogany walls. Beautiful and realistic portraits of kings and queens of western nations loom down at them.

"Hmm... these western-styled rooms look very nice." she sits on a bed, staring up at the dusty golden chandelier. "Tatsuma-sensei and his class are lucky."

"Damn right they are. At least there're no ghosts here..." Gintoki opens the shoji doors leading outside in the gardens.

He stops and blinks.

"Why, hello there, good sir." A man with a top hat and donning a crisp black suit greets him, standing in the center of a rose garden. Then he notices Kagura sitting on the bed, staring at him in surprise. "Good afternoon to you too, lass."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

BAM.

Once again, Gintoki kicks the shoji doors open, carrying Kagura on his shoulder. He dashes down the hallway, leaving a trail of dust behind.

"He looked like an English gentleman, Gin-chan." she muses. "Maybe he just wanted to invite and drink some earl grey tea with us?"

"Didn't I tell you not to trust men with fancy mustaches?! They're evil, I tell you! Evil!"

"But he was wearing a fancy-looking suit and a top hat, Gin-chan. Plus, he greeted us. He is a very polite and courteous ghost, unlike _some_ men." Kagura scoffs at the last part.

"I DON'T CARE! HE'S A FRIGGIN' STAND!"

**(*_*)**

"Ah...! The hot springs were great!" Kagura takes a long gulp of Pocari Sweat, stretching her neck. Donning a light pink yukata and with her carmine locks hanging loosely down her back, she slowly makes her way to the mess hall.

"Hey, Kagura-chan!" A girl in braids greets her along the way.

"Hi."

"Hello, Kagura-san. You've finally made it." a girl in a yellow yukata greets her outside the double doors.

"Hellooooo..." Kagura waves at her classmate, tossing the empty can at a trashcan outside the doors. "Did they start dinner already?"

"Ah, yes, but... Sakamoto-sensei and Sakata-sensei are arguing over a bowl of katsudon. Most of the students already finished their meals and are heading back to their rooms. You came in a little late." the student pushes her glasses up her nose tiredly. "Well, I'm going to turn in early tonight. Have a wonderful meal and don't stay up too late, Kagura-san."

"Thanks!" the fifteen-year old nods her head, skipping inside the expansive mess hall.

"Gin-chan, Tatsuma-sensei!" she prances towards them. She watches the two grown men fighting over a bowl of katsudon, taking a seat across from them. Then Kagura ignores their quarrel and scans all the dishes laid out in front of her. Salivating at the sight of food, she breaks her chopsticks in two and sets a bowl of rice before her. She reaches for a plate of fried squid and shrimp, dunking them in vinegar with a flourish. Then she gobbles up every plate of sushi within her vicinity, slurping down strands of yakisoba and gulps down her cup of green tea. Finishing her bowl of rice, she reaches for a plate of pork gyōza and shrimp tempura. Dunking both in soy sauce, she stuffs herself with grilled salmon and rice at the same time.

"Oi, that last bowl of katsudon's mine!" the silver-haired professor shouts, smacking Tatsuma's hand out of the way. He grabs the bowl, holding it out of reach. "Don't touch it!"

"No fair, Kintokiiiiiii!" Tatsuma whines, trying to reach for the katsudon. "You already ate five bowls! Why don't you give it to meeeeee?!"

"I'm hungry, damn it! Go eat some prosciutto or something!" Gintoki throws back, clutching the bowl close to him.

"But I'm hungry tooooooo!"

"Then go get your own!"

"But that's the last one! You ate the rest!"

Kagura pats her full stomach, setting down her chopsticks and taking small sips of green tea. "Ah... I am so full. Thank you for the wonderful meal." she clasps her hands together before continuing to observe the two arguing idiots across from her.

_De repente―_

"Hey! There is a purple demon behind you, Gin-chan!" Kagura screams, slowly backing away in fear.

"W-WHAT?! WHEEERRRREEEEEEEEEE?!" In a state of panic and frenzy, the mess hall erupts into chaos. Students shouting and screaming and running out the room, and Gintoki accidentally throws the bowl of katsudon into the air. The two men widen their eyes in shock, watching the ceramic bowl fly upwards in slow-motion.

And then...

"HA! Just kidding!" Kagura squeals gleefully, taking advantage of the situation. She quickly reaches for the falling bowl. "I cannot believe you idiots fell for it!" Then she furiously slurps down the bowl of katsudon, watching the crestfallen and devastated features of the two men in satisfaction. She sets down the empty bowl in front of her, "It is my victory!"

...

...

...

...

...

"YOUUUUUUUUUUU!" Gintoki slams his fists on the table while Tatsuma slumps down in defeat.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted, boys. But I am so tired, so... sweet dreams!" Blowing a raspberry and giving them a flirtatious wink, Kagura lifts the skirts of her yukata and dashes out the mess hall.

**(^.^)**

Kagura continues to sleep soundly in the darkness of her room. Turning to her side, she mumbles quietly to herself. Her three other roommates sleeping soundly as well, unaware of the lingering specks of light floating gently outside their room. Ephemeral and phantasmagoric spheres vanish quickly just as they appear.

Suddenly, her bloodshot azure eyes flutter open. "What is going on...?" she reluctantly throws off the thick covers and crawls away from her futon. She quietly and discreetly opens the shoji doors, looking left and right, then shuts the doors behind her. Letting her eyes adjust to the darkness of the hallway, Kagura hugs herself closer. "This is so creepy..."

Letting her feet take her to a certain direction, the teen stops in front of a pair of doors sealed shut. The talismans looming down eerily at her, giving off a faint glow in the dark. Her hand reaching out for the brass knobs, ready to turn them. Upon finding it locked and sealed tightly shut, Kagura raises a fist.

"Don't." a voice rings behind her and the girl shudders at the feeling of her hair standing at the back of her neck. Goosebumps running down her arms, Kagura drops her fist to her side and whips around.

"Please, don't open those doors." She comes face-to-face with a long-haired woman, her dead onyx eyes piercing holes at her. Her white yukata and abnormally pale skin glowing mysteriously.

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

**To be continued...?**

* * *

><p><strong>Finally, done with this chapter! Honestly, I'm running out of ideas for my one-shots. I already have a bunch thought up and ready, but... I'm trying to put them in order. This was such a random chapter I came up with on a whim. Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to post the next chapter soon! <strong>

**So, uh... the most recent chapter of Gintama... chapter 526... yeah. Speechless. Thank you, Sorachi-sensei. I must applaud you. An amazing manga like Gintama is able to stir such emotions from an apathetic person like me. Good job. You have my undying respect, Sorachi-sensei. **


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